Should we be non-judgemental?

Do we state our opinions, or do we stay non-judgemental? It often seems to be a fine line. Perhaps we think our friend spends too much money, so what do we say when this friend wants to buy a new car? Do we nod enthusiastically and discuss the best make and model? Or do we frown in disapproval and lecture them about debt? On the one hand, it is not our place to judge – just because we would spend less does not mean they are obliged to think likewise. Yet on the other hand, we feel responsible for our friend and we want to help them with our best advice. By staying silent are we offering our tacit approval, and perhaps compromising our principles?

Another example is people’s attitudes towards relationships. How much time should you spend with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Should you live together before marriage? Should you have sex before marriage? Which is more important: your partner or your career? People’s attitudes to these questions vary greatly, and we will likely end up in a conversation with someone who thinks very differently from us. How should we approach these situations? Do we state our opinions, or do we stay non-judgemental and try to view things from their perspective?

We must do both. We must reserve our judgement and understand that everyone sees things differently, yet we can do this while still stating our opinions. Some people state their opinions in a way that demands agreement, being critical, vocally disapproving, and highly judgemental. However, we can also state opinions, even forcefully so, without being judgemental. For example, I do not smoke, and I am not afraid to explain my reasons why. They include the obvious health risk, the financial cost, and the resulting unpleasantness to those around me. I will happily say all of this to a smoker, but I do not judge them because they smoke. After all, perhaps the enjoyment that they gain is worth the cost. Perhaps it improves their quality of life. I would rather live a short and enjoyable life than a long and miserable one, and from this perspective, some smokers may have made the right decision. This is no reason for me to stay silent – I think that my arguments against smoking are good ones and should be considered – but it is a good reason for me not to judge.

Hence, we must remember that what is right to us may not be right for another. We cannot judge what people should or should not do. In spite of this, we can still share our opinion and be forceful in doing so. Being non-judgemental does not mean staying silent about what we believe, it simply means acknowledging that others can believe differently. These differences are not a problem, they are something to celebrate. They expand our horizons and make life interesting. Being at peace with them is the key to harmonious relationships.

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5 Comments »

  1. Auler Ivis said,

    January 28, 2009 @ 11:57 am

    Amen. To crystalize these ideas in my mind: the non-judgmental way to express one’s opinion forcefully is to declare what I believe and why while being careful to

  2. Auler Ivis said,

    January 28, 2009 @ 12:05 pm

    oops! … while being careful to avoid both words, intonation and body language that is judgmental. It’s not easy! Too often our best efforts to be non-judgemental get judged by the listener as offensive and severely judgmental! The noble path finds us constantly putting ourselves in the shoes of another and walking a mile in them while remembering that they have walked a thousand miles.

  3. Personal Visions » Blog Archive » Working with the Tarot said,

    May 22, 2009 @ 12:06 pm

    […] of us spend a good portion of the day in judgment. We declare to ourselves that I like this food, I dislike that person’s hat or shirt, wow dogs […]

  4. Mary said,

    July 28, 2010 @ 9:56 am

    I have done that in many occassions and the outcome is that I’m called righteous. “Oh you think you are so perfect or righteous” They are saying it in a bad way, not a good way. I’m perplexed because I do hold strong beliefs and sometimes I think it’s best just to keep my mouth shut. I was concerned about a relatives health as she had gained a considerable amount of weight. I mentioned that maybe she should stay away from processed foods and try to squeeze a walk in the morning and after dinner. Well that blew up in my face. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone but to express concern.

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    September 28, 2012 @ 9:57 pm

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