Spiritual Inquiry . com

Intimate relationships can be one of the greatest sources of joy in our lives. However, as with most enjoyable things, it is easy to become attached. This occurs when we start to seek too much from the relationship, when we start to see it as integral to our happiness. It is dangerous to seek too much from anything in life. We are each responsible for our own happiness and it is foolish to deny this responsibility. We should avoid being addicted to spending time with our partner, becoming attached to sexual gratification from our partner, or any other situation in which we rely on our partner for our own happiness.

The problems of obsession with a loved one are the same as those of an obsession with anything else. However, in the case of relationships, the seriousness is often downplayed. While everyone knows the harm caused by a gambling addiction, many are not so concerned about a “love addiction”. It is considered normal, maybe even romantic. The crux of the problem lies in the use of the word “love”: people take an obsession or an attachment and they call it love. This leads them to assume that it is a good thing.

Clearly, love is a good thing, but attachment is not. Often we want our partner to be attached to us because it provides reassurance. Many songs contain supposedly romantic lyrics about how much someone “needs” another. In practice however, love most easily arises in the absence of need. Love is an unselfish and open state, which is quite the opposite of need (see Love and need). When a relationship is based on attachment, we have problems such as selfishness, possessiveness, insecurity, and disappointment. A relationship based on love has no such issues.

Therefore, we should avoid attachment in a relationship just as we should avoid attachment in other areas of life. Instead of needing something external for our happiness, we must take responsibility for our own happiness. This does not mean being any less committed to the relationship. On the other hand, it will result in a relationship that is more lasting and stable. We can make the most of the good things in life, giving all that we have, but we should never forget that happiness is from within.

Neuroscience research has demonstrated that the state of paying attention has measurable effects on our brain, and is essential for reorganizing neural circuits via neuroplasticity (see Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain for an excellent summary). This This simply confirms what any spiritual guru, developmental psychologist, or successful person can tell you: the ability to concentrate is one of the most valuable tools for success. Many of us cannot motivate ourselves to pay attention to a task that we consider pointless (which, for many of us, is our job). However, I argue that our motivation for paying attention can simply be for attention’s sake.

Around the world, people devote countless hours to the practice of meditation. They are training the mind to release distracting thoughts and to focus on a single point (such as their breathing, or a mantra). If this mental discipline is so valuable then it would be foolish to ignore opportunities to develop concentration in everyday life. The ability to rest the attention with an activity and be free from distracting thoughts brings benefits in all aspects of life.

If a task, or our job, is truly pointless and meaningless then there is a strong argument to change it. However, in the meantime, we must keep our attention engaged. We have all experienced days when we are plagued with distractions - those of us in office jobs may continually stop to check our e-mail, read the news, daydream, or chat with colleagues. We do anything to avoid focusing on the task in front of us. Although this may seem relaxing at first, we quickly develop a frustration with our life and job, and our motivation declines. By contrast, in meditation we are encouraged not to cling to passing thoughts, but instead to rest the attention with the object of meditation. We keep returning the attention to this point whenever it wanders. The more we do this in life, the easier it gets, and we observe our life becoming more and more satisfying.

Therefore, regardless of how meaningless or uninspiring our task, it is still a good opportunity to pay attention. We should practise doing this all of the time. The benefits are well worth it.