Spiritual Inquiry . com

What do we worry about? Whether we will lose our job? Whether our spouse will leave us or cheat on us? Whether a loved one will fall ill and die? Why do we worry about such things? Do we worry because they are likely possibilities? Or is such worrying mere paranoia? In either case, how can we reduce this anxiety?

Like it or not, none of the events I have mentioned are unavoidable. We can certainly reduce the risk of their occurrence: if we work hard then our job is more secure; if we take care of ourselves then our health is better; if we put a lot of energy and love into our relationships then we are less likely to split from our spouse. All of these efforts will improve our lives and will lower our anxiety. However, if we are after some kind of 100% guarantee that nothing will go wrong, then we were born to the wrong species and we live on the wrong planet.

Ultimately, anything could happen. The only way to find security is to accept this. The root cause of our anxiety is attachment. We are attached to the idea that our happiness relies on financial stability, a secure relationship, and good health for ourselves and for those around us. Because none of these things can ever be guaranteed, we can never be rid of anxiety if we harbour such beliefs. We can only release anxiety if we accept that any of these things could be taken away from us, and that it does not matter if they are.

Thus, we must drop our attachments. We must ask what is really essential. If we answer this honestly, we will find that our happiness has more to do with who we are than with what happens to us. It is easy to become attached to an idea and to convince ourselves that we cannot be happy without it. However, this is ultimately a delusion, leading only to insecurity and anxiety. We must realize that none of these things are so important after all.

Love is not need, and the two should not be confused. The feeling that we need someone, along with the desire for that someone to need us, is harmful and must be replaced. A stable relationship is based on the mutual desire for the other to be happy. It is not based on the desire for the other to make us happy. This latter desire can never be fulfilled. The idea that someone else can make us happy, or that someone else can fill some void within us, is a red herring. We can only do this for ourselves.

Therefore, whenever we believe that we need someone, we must fight this belief. We must acknowledge that we do not in fact need them, and that if they were hit by a bus then we would still survive. Knowing that we can survive alone, and indeed that we can be happy alone, does not make our love any less. There is a big difference between knowing that we can be alone and actually wanting to be alone. If we drop need, it makes our love stronger. It means that we are with our partner because we love them and because we want to be with them, and not just because we need them. It also reduces the anxiety and fear that they will leave us, whether by choice or not.

Similarly, it is foolish to desire that our loved one need us. Such a desire arises out of fear. We may think that our sense of security is increased knowing that our partner cannot leave us because they need us. However, really, it is much more flattering to know that our partner is with us because he or she loves us. Although it might seem scary to think that our partner does not need us and could walk away at any time, we can also take immense reassurance in the fact that they choose not to.

Hence, we must always be careful to distinguish between love and need. Although they are often confused, they are very different. Love is an open and generous emotion based on genuine caring and compassion. It is unselfish and makes no demands. Need, on the other hand, is a constrictive and selfish feeling based predominantly on fear. True love cannot flourish alongside this feeling.