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When someone irritates us, we usually focus on changing the situation. If our spouse annoys us, we explain to them what they are doing wrong, and ask them to stop. If someone’s whistling distracts us in the library, we move to a different spot. In both these examples, the aim is to remove the source of our irritation. However, although this external approach to annoyances is effective in the short term, it is ineffective in the long term.

The problem is that there will always be people and events that can irritate us. If we keep trying to remove these irritations, we will be engaged in a never ending battle. A better approach is to focus on our own shortcomings. Two things must occur to make us angry: 1) someone does something hurtful or annoying, and 2), we allow ourselves to react. By learning to control our reactions, we can bring more peace into our lives, regardless of what other people do or say. This is much more effective than trying to deal with every external irritation on a case by case basis.

The foundation of this strategy is that any situation in which we get upset is also a chance to learn. If something irritates us, it is a reminder to be more patient or tolerant. If someone unfairly criticises, it is still a chance to look for any grain of truth in what they said. In any bad situation in which someone else is to blame, we can still look for our own contribution. It may be 90% their fault and just 10% ours, but there is still something we can learn. This attitude helps us to make the most of a situation, instead of just complaining about it.

Naturally, we do not have to passively accept blame for everything bad that happens to us. Looking for our own shortcomings does not mean that we can’t rebuke someone else for their incompetence. However, it is important to learn as much as we can from every situation. Because if we ever lose our peace of mind, then we could have done things better. Hence, any distressing situation is a chance to learn.

When unhappiness strikes, we often lash out. We blame other people, we blame outside events, we do whatever we can to convince ourselves that it is not our fault. In a fight with our partner, we come up with all the things that he or she did wrong, and why we were justified to behave the way we did. When we’re feeling irritable, we insist that the actions of others are responsible for our mood, such as a driver cutting us off in traffic, or a work colleague talking too much. We go out of our way to blame everyone and everything for our mood, but seldom do we blame ourselves.

The reason that this behaviour is absurd is that we would be much better off if it were our fault. Anything that we are responsible for, we can change. If our irritability is the fault of another driver, or the fault of a work colleague, then we are doomed to feeling irritable forever. On the other hand, if we are responsible for our own irritability, then we have a way out. Hence, instead of hoping to blame others, we should hope to blame ourselves. We should look for every way in which we have contributed to our unhappiness, and the more we find, the happier we should be.

If we find this mind-set difficult, then we should ask ourselves why we want to blame others. Often, it comes back to self-esteem. We perceive that by blaming others, our self-esteem remains high, and that this will boost our happiness. Nothing could be further from the truth. The less responsibility that we take for our own happiness, the more we are bound to suffer. If we deny our ability to improve things, we will be stuck in the same place forever. Although blaming others protects our self-esteem in the short-term, the resulting unhappiness only makes things worse in the long-term, and it is important to realize this if we want to stop this destructive behaviour.