Spiritual Inquiry . com

The two factors I have found most important to a healthy self-esteem are honesty and compassion. These tools are far more effective than the traditional methods of praising and nurturing yourself. The value of honesty is that it ensures that we have nothing to hide. When we tell the truth to ourselves, and tell the truth to others about ourselves, we are affirming our self-acceptance. This is the single most important step in building self-esteem because low self-esteem comes from a refusal to accept our own qualities. In contrast, if we lie to ourselves or to others, then we are telling ourselves that we have something shameful to hide. Thus we are constantly afraid of being exposed. Ironically, it is often low self-esteem that causes us to lie in the first place. We must break this cycle by cultivating honesty at all times.

The second factor, compassion, is not meant in the sense of self-compassion (although that is also important). Rather, the teaching is that if we learn to help others and feel concern for others, we will also feel better about ourselves. The reasoning is straightforward: if we know that we are of benefit to others, we naturally feel more worthwhile, and this boosts our self-esteem. Compassion is also important for directing our attention away from ourselves, causing us to worry less about our own problems and to see the bigger picture more. By reducing self-absorption and self-centredness, we reduce the kind of thinking that can lead to a low self-esteem.

Therefore, if we suffer from low self-esteem, honesty and compassion are two qualities to focus on. As I discussed in this article, focusing too much on self-esteem can be dangerous. However, if our response to low self-esteem is not to dwell on it but to instead focus on developing honesty and compassion, then we are guaranteed to profit. After all, the benefits of honesty and compassion go well beyond an improvement of self-esteem.

What motivates forgiveness? Often we view it as some kind of concession. We think we are being generous by granting it. However, in truth, we are the prime beneficiaries of forgiveness. When we forgive, we let go. When we forgive, we stop clinging to the pain. Continuing to be angry only makes things worse for us. Why would we devote so much energy to it? Bitterness does not make us feel better. Thus forgiveness is in our own best interests.

Sometimes, when we forgive, we tell someone. This is important. It gives the recipient hope, telling him or her to move on, to leave mistakes behind. However, we can only tell someone about our forgiveness if they are sorry in the first place. Sometimes, they do not think they need forgiving. They may even think that we are the ones needing forgiving. Even if we can’t tell someone of our forgiveness, it is still of vital importance. We forgive to release ourselves. We forgive because holding anger inside ourselves only poisons our minds, and eventually poisons our lives. It may be harder to forgive when the person is not aware of, nor apologizes for, the pain they have caused. However, it is no less valuable to do so.

Forgiveness is not always instantaneous. We do not forgive someone once and be done with it. The hurt may surface again and again. Each time this happens, we resist the urge to lash out, and remind ourself of our forgiveness. This allows us to let go of the pain, which is largely carried on by anger and resentment. Although forgiveness cannot remove a wound, it can and will heal it. That is why it matters.