Spiritual Inquiry . com

One of the biggest myths about forgiveness is the belief that someone must first be sorry. Why should someone have to be sorry for us to forgive them? Naturally it is much easier to forgive people who are totally repentant and committed to reform, but this is not a requirement. Such a conditional attitude towards forgiveness completely misses the point. We must learn to forgive people who are not sorry, people who are convinced they are in the right, and people who may even think that we are the ones who should be sorry.

Many people object to forgiving an unrepentant person because they feel that this somehow excuses the original action. They feel that if the person does not unreservedly acknowledge that their action is wrong, then forgiveness is granting them permission to do it again. If we are holding back our forgiveness out of such fear, we must realize that forgiveness does not mean automatically giving someone another chance and letting them back into our lives. For example, if our partner cheats on us, we can forgive them and still choose to end the relationship. The difference is that we would not be ending the relationship due to anger and a lack of forgiveness, but rather from the awareness it is flawed and that we would be better off apart.

The next thing we must realize is that whatever harm someone has caused us, they have caused more harm to themselves. Nobody wants to be miserable, and if they hurt others then misery is what they will get. Thus, we forgive people because we know that they act out of ignorance. If they are unrepentant, we should hold even more compassion for them, because this same ignorance may cause them to do the same thing again and again. Remember, however much they are harming us, they are harming themselves more! But once again, but as mentioned before, the choice to distance ourselves from this person is always open to us. Forgiveness does not have the requisite of continued close contact.

Often in relationships we claim that an event from the past continues to hurt because our partner will not apologize. Although their apology would clearly mean a lot, we should also consider that the hurt continues because we refuse to forgive. We do not have to wait for their apology to do this. If we find that forgiveness does not come, and that we continue to hold anger, then that is OK. With patience, we will get there, and in the meantime we can forgive ourselves too.

At some point in our lives, most of us have grappled with the dilemma between accepting ourselves and wanting to improve ourselves. Those of us in intimate relationships can extend this to the dilemma between accepting our partner and also wanting to improve the relationship. We have probably been told that the two are not contradictory - that it is possible to fully accept ourselves whilst still doing our best to improve. However, in practice, this truth is not easy to see, and it is difficult to reconcile the two goals.

When someone tells us to stop criticising ourselves (or our partner), we naturally resist. After all, how can we improve if we do not point out the problems? The notion that being more accepting might actually encourage change seems hard to believe. Yet it is true. The reason is that whenever we criticise ourselves or our partner, we create a conflict. This is the exact opposite of the cooperative attitude that we need. Rightly or wrongly, criticism is nearly always viewed as an attack, including the case of self-criticism. Thus, the response is nearly always defensiveness, even stubbornness, and the recipient is actually encouraged not to change in order to resist the perceived attack. Instead of achieving the desired change, criticism and lack of acceptance make behaviours more engrained.

So can we be accepting and still improve? Robert Najemy, author of The Psychology of Happiness: Understanding Our Selves and Others, gives some good examples of this being true in everyday life. He remarks that a first grader is not ashamed to be in the first grade, and is not self-critical for not being in a higher grade. However, nor would he accept remaining in that first grade year after year. Thus, we can naturally progress in life whilst still being happy with our present status. The second example is that of an unfinished painting. There is nothing wrong with seeing our lives as a work in progress, like the unfinished painting, but without being agitated or frustrated that things are not yet done. The message is that we can be accepting and still make things better, and indeed our own natures will force us to do so. This reminds me of a Greg Anderson quote: “I am complete but not finished”.

Aside from being accepting, what other things should we be doing? The most important is to understand ourselves and others. Understand in a compassionate and accepting way. This is extremely powerful, because by understanding ourselves and others we are naturally increasing acceptance. After all, everyone is doing their best to be happy, and so sufficient understanding will always generate positive emotions. Furthermore, this understanding encourages improvement. When we can see the cause of a problem, we naturally act in a way that reduces these causes. So we get the best of both worlds: improving ourselves and being more accepting simultaneously.

It also helps to focus on little improvements, one step at a time. When we set modest goals that are quickly achievable, we feel our life getting better. In contrast, a far-off unrealistic goal risks constantly reminding us of our inadequacies. We spend too much time comparing our life as it is to the way that it “should be”. It is important to see life as being good right now. That way, any change or improvement just makes it even better. If we think we need to change because life is bad, then we risk feeling even worse if we fail to change.

The easiest way to judge whether we are doing this right is to ask if our quest for improvement is making us feel better or worse. Are our attempts to improve ourselves and our relationships making us feel happier or unhappier? If we find that our desire to improve is only increasing existing insecurities, magnifying existing problems, and making the present state seem even more unacceptable, then we are doing it wrong. Instead, we need to focus more on accepting ourselves, and on understanding ourselves. When we have done this, we will find that improvements come naturally to us, and that such improvements will only enhance our good feelings.