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Society is becoming obsessed with blame. When a tragedy strikes, when relationships go wrong, when anything happens to disappoint us, there is a growing tendency to label it as someone’s fault. The concept of an “accident”, of “bad luck”, or “the way things are”, is being replaced by the idea that life ought to be a Utopia. If this Utopia is not the case, then we assume that someone is not doing their part. Much of the time, we will conclude that this person is ourself, and that we are to blame. Although this latter attitude is positive in that we are taking responsibility for our own happiness, and is definitely a better attitude than blaming others for our misery, it still leaves much to be desired.

The fundamental issue here is not so much our tendency to blame as our tendency to assume that life should be perfect. Whenever a so-called bad event occurs, we assume that there is a problem. This includes a natural disaster such as an earthquake or hurricane, contracting a disease or being diagnosed with cancer, or perhaps a disagreement in a relationship or a personal failure. Rather than recognize that such things are a part of life, we see them as a sign that something is deeply wrong. This lack of acceptance then leads us to find fault. In the case of a natural disaster, we may blame authorities for not implementing stronger housing standards or emergency procedures. In the case of a disease, we may blame our health care system for failing to detect it earlier. In our relationships and personal life, we may blame ourselves, our partner, or those around us.

It is clearly beneficial to find the causes of suffering and to take steps to reduce it. However, we must have an accepting attitude when we do this. Life is unpredictable and can never be controlled. Even the so-called preventable tragedies, caused by human error alone, can never be realistically eliminated. Therefore, while doing our best to improve on things, we must remember that death and suffering are a natural part of life, and we must also remember that no-one, ourself included, is perfect. This will let us work on problems without being bogged down by them, without feeling that life is unfair, and without looking for someone to blame.

Life can throw up many kinds of pain. There is guilt, felt when we cannot accept our own harmful actions. There is the hurt that we feel when a loved one wrongs us. There is the grief that arises when life throws us a bad hand, when things just don’t work out the way we want. All of these pains are hard to deal with, but in each case we must face up to them.

To grow in life, we must acknowledge and accept the mistakes we have made. No-one likes to feel guilt, and it can be tempting to deny that we are at fault. Often, we simply try not to think about what we did. Instead, we should have the courage to face up to our actions, and to be honest and open with ourselves. We must accept responsibility, apologize if appropriate, and make what amends we can. Most importantly, we must not beat ourselves up. We must take absolute responsibility and do all we can to not repeat our mistakes, yet we must also forgive ourselves. We must realize that we are not perfect, and that we can try again.

Similarly, we must accept that others are not perfect either. When a loved one hurts us, we can respond with either forgiveness or forgetfulness. In the latter, we wait until the pain has faded away, and we no longer think about it. This is essentially denial. In the former, we have the strength to acknowledge that we were hurt, but that it is OK and that we accept and forgive. This is the courageous route, and it yields great rewards.

Finally, some unfortunate incidents are nobody’s fault. The best that we can do is accept that such things happen, and once again, face the facts and come to terms with them. Pain, by its very definition, is hard to bear. However, facing it and acknowledging it is always better than hiding from it. When we face the facts, the pain soon passes. When we run, it simply follows.